About Me

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I am a full-time mama with a passion for writing and talking to fascinating people. I live in a one horse town with a Cowboy and my son. Thank Lord for cyberspace! I lived a colourful life in Sydney for a number of years. Working in advertising and journalism for FPC and the Sydney Morning Herald. During my time in Sydney I competed in a Dragon Boat race, choreographed a dragshow, used the Share Accomodation advertisements as a way to meet men and was told by Noiseworks frontrunner Jon Stevens that I was a bitch! Then came the decision to move back to country for 3 months to help out my Father with newspaper business while he was having treatment. Convinced I was a city girl I was caught by surprise when I fell in love with a farmer (and no, he didn't want a wife... still doesn't it seems!) convinced him that we needed to see the world, popped off to Vietnam to teach english in Saigon - before realising that the "food" in Nam didn't agree with me... turned out to be Monte - my son who is now with the Cowboy and I back in country NSW! I am in a wonderful stage of my life where I am focusing on the things that really make me tick. Including writing these chronicles.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

anticipation and anxiety

It is the night before my 'coming out' party.
My coming out of hermit-ville that is.
Tomorrow is the race day. You know what? I feel sick in anticipation.
Not about the fashions on the field or any such hoopla (still not sure if I will actually enter this, scared!)
Yeah yeah it is just a race day in a one -horse town , no big deal - but there is more to it for me.
You see, I used to be the partiest of party animals - two years of suddenly becoming a Mama - my life and priorities have been completely flipped on their head.
I have loved every minute of it - even the minutes where I am crying in frustration and can't believe how much my life has changed and how I have someone who relies on me so much - but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my old social life and carefree days where I was the only one who suffered due to my wild ways.
So tomorrow I have Mum minding Monte but herein lies the anxiety.
He is 11 months tmrw and I am still b'feeding him morning and evening only - and he has been a cranky arse since this weather became hot and it is the only thing that seems to calm him.
Thing is - I have gorgeous new dress and outfit and really want to have a few drinks tomorrow without feeling guilty!
Monte has NEVER had a bottle or anything - he eats like a bastard so I am sure he c0uld survive a day without it but OMG I feel like I won't be able to enjoy myself or have a few drinks in the 'carefree' way I used to.
I feel that he needs me and if I drink and he needs to drink from me. I BAD and will be overcome with guilt
I know, I know - everyone is saying to me - "Go out - you deserve it!"
" He will be alright without you!"
I know I could just not drink, but nah that doesn't appeal - have done the no drinking thing for 2 years now...
Why do I feel so sick about it? I desperately want one day where I can just be the old me, have fun have some drinks - be silly - and have him in my heart while talking about everything but his sleeping and pooing habits.
I just want ONE DAY where I can just worry about me.
Any advice how to ward off these inner mama demons..?


  1. Have a fabulous day. You will worry but he will be OK.
    My youngest has never had a bottle she's almost 18 months. I've been out plenty and she's still alive and kicking. You'll love him just that little bit more after a fun day out.

  2. Guess what? I'm going out tomorrow too and leaving the 3 month bub with Grandma...big movie afternoon with a big blow out afterwards. Guessing after the movie I will have to go home and do the boob. Sunday, an engagement party then on Wed I have my first night out with a concert.

    How I'm going to cope I don't know. Just the thought of it makes me very tired. Have a great day, you've earned it!

  3. Soon as a worry thought enters your head replace it with the thought that a happy mama is a good mama. You will be worth more to Monte coming home happy and relaxed than you are to him worrying all day. Your mum can handle it and she deserves some special time with him as well. He's part of her to.

  4. I was still breastfeeding my now 2yo on my 40th birthday (she was 13mths old). I drank until 4am, had the worst hangover next day...but she is perfectly OK. Wouldn't recommend it as a regular thing but a one of won't hurt surely??
    Have fun!! :)

  5. You can't shake those particular brand of demons I find. You can, however, express before you go and get the little bastards drunk!!

  6. Hello to you mama,

    Yes, you do deserve a day to yourself all dressed up pretty and ready to party. That feeling of guilt will never go away. Sorry. Mine is almost 15 now and I still feel bad when she isn't with me. I know you have a long ways to go before he is remotely close to my daughters age, but I keep telling her, "One day you will leave me and then what will I do with myself?"
    Just remember, even though you are a mommy and someone depends on you. Don't ever forget who you are. Might have to tone it down a little until he is able to function, drive, eat...etc on his own, but you are still you!
    And my daughter needs to know that her mommy has a life outside of catering to her. (Yes, I spoiled her) But now I am re-learning who I am. Feels really weird at almost 40.

    You will do great! Have fun, Drive safe!


  7. thanks everyone - I really needed to hear from others who have felt this way and they (and their offspring) lived to tell the tale....!
    I will let you know how I get on.... woohooo!

  8. Have drink, or three! Let your hair down! Have a blast!


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