I recently wrote a flowery post spouting thatLife was Meant to be Easy.
While I still believe it is true, I am beginning to realise if it were too easy we would never grow or learn.
This last week, emotionally, I have succumbed to the more difficult side of it.
The "control" I thought I had went out the window and the emotions I thought I had a handle on proved the opposite.
A week ago I weaned my son from breastfeeding.
It has been 15 months and we were both ready.
Well, so I thought.
Who knew this process that has been looming gradually, would instigate the most mind blowing sadness , emptiness and out of control emotional roller-coaster I have ever experienced.
The pit of my stomach has ached with sadness. No amount of cuddles, reassurance or logical thinking was able to take that away. I was told to "Stop being silly", "Have a hot shower" and that I should just be "Happy to have my body back"
I have become confused, fatigued, nauseated, but most overwhelmingly, I have been deeply sad.
It is as if the happy switch had been turned off.
The Happy Mama drug had run out and all that remained was a heart-shredding feeling of emptiness.
I felt unloved, redundant, irrational.
You hear of the baby blues and Postpartum Depression here and there, but it is not often we are honest about it.
I am fortunate to have made a wonderful community of online friends who have helped me enormously through supportive emails helping me to get through this time.
I must admit, our pregnancy was completely unexpected and I was primed after the birth of our son expecting to get PPD. I had experienced anxiety before it, and I was armed and ready.
It never came.
What did happen was I felt the most intense love I have ever felt and have had the most life changing 15 months with my beautiful son.
After Monte was born, despite crying over lost sleep, I danced a happy dance and secretly felt cured of the depression and anxiety that had made guest appearances in my life before child.
15 months later while I was off-guard it seems to snuck around the corner and given me an upper-cut!
No-one saw it coming.
I realise some hormone upheaval is at play alongside the normal 'mourning' as the baby period ends.
One moment I was so happy, the next - I felt broken, out of control, and was lashing out at those I love.
Why has this happened to me? Wasn't life meant to be easy? Why do I feel out of control?
I have been asking myself these questions as I have tried to meditate and take time out to get clarity of mind.
rest of the story here
Posts
Oh Sharni. Hugs to you my friend.XO
ReplyDeletePS. I am still breastfeeding Sophie. She just turned 2. She is my last baby and the first one that I have breastfed this long. I dunno how I'm gonna wean her. I'm not ready. Not yet.
Yes, you will be happy to have your body back.
ReplyDeleteI am now...four years after stopping breastfeeding my youngest son!
hugs
Sharni, I am not sure if life is meant to be easy. I think we are supposed to learn to go with the ebbs and the flows. You have just stopped something which has been a part of your life for fifteen months. Give yourself and your body time to adjust to the change. much love
ReplyDeletexxx
Hey Sharni, not sure if this counts as being a male I have never delt with what you are going through .. But as a fellow parent you will NEVER be " unloved, redundant, irrational " you are only at the beginning of your Mumma Journey .. there is a BIG world out there that you need to explain to him and protect him against .. and an even bigger world of adventure out there to introduce his curious mind to ! And don't forget it's your magic kisses that will make all the mosters disapear ! Kids learn more at home watching their parents then anywhere else ... what are you going to teach him today ?
ReplyDeleteSharni-I hope all is well with you now. I know your son will love you more than you know for just being YOU!
ReplyDeleteHey Sharni -it's such a hard transition. I was a lot younger when I weaned my first two and I was happy to 'be free'. I had a different attitude and didn't fully appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI'm still feeding number 4, she's almost 9 months and I have no idea how I'll do it this time. I love that she needs me.
It will get easier...eventually. Remember your relationship with Monte will constantly evolve over your time together, but you'll always be his mum.
I admire you greatly for bfeeding for so long and I also would like to say I really enjoy your blog.
ReplyDelete