I recently wrote a flowery post spouting thatLife was Meant to be Easy.
While I still believe it is true, I am beginning to realise if it were too easy we would never grow or learn.
This last week, emotionally, I have succumbed to the more difficult side of it.
The "control" I thought I had went out the window and the emotions I thought I had a handle on proved the opposite.
A week ago I weaned my son from breastfeeding.
It has been 15 months and we were both ready.
Well, so I thought.
Who knew this process that has been looming gradually, would instigate the most mind blowing sadness , emptiness and out of control emotional roller-coaster I have ever experienced.
The pit of my stomach has ached with sadness. No amount of cuddles, reassurance or logical thinking was able to take that away. I was told to "Stop being silly", "Have a hot shower" and that I should just be "Happy to have my body back"
I have become confused, fatigued, nauseated, but most overwhelmingly, I have been deeply sad.
It is as if the happy switch had been turned off.
The Happy Mama drug had run out and all that remained was a heart-shredding feeling of emptiness.
I felt unloved, redundant, irrational.
You hear of the baby blues and Postpartum Depression here and there, but it is not often we are honest about it.
I am fortunate to have made a wonderful community of online friends who have helped me enormously through supportive emails helping me to get through this time.
I must admit, our pregnancy was completely unexpected and I was primed after the birth of our son expecting to get PPD. I had experienced anxiety before it, and I was armed and ready.
It never came.
What did happen was I felt the most intense love I have ever felt and have had the most life changing 15 months with my beautiful son.
After Monte was born, despite crying over lost sleep, I danced a happy dance and secretly felt cured of the depression and anxiety that had made guest appearances in my life before child.
15 months later while I was off-guard it seems to snuck around the corner and given me an upper-cut!
No-one saw it coming.
I realise some hormone upheaval is at play alongside the normal 'mourning' as the baby period ends.
One moment I was so happy, the next - I felt broken, out of control, and was lashing out at those I love.
Why has this happened to me? Wasn't life meant to be easy? Why do I feel out of control?
I have been asking myself these questions as I have tried to meditate and take time out to get clarity of mind.
rest of the story here
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